Dear Theophilus,
I’ve carried a heavy burden for much of my life and find myself at a crossroads, seeking guidance. My story is one marked by my mother’s choices during her pregnancy with me—choices that endangered my health from the very start due to her smoking and drinking. Born prematurely and having faced health challenges from the outset, I’ve struggled not just physically but emotionally and relationally. My relationship with my mother deteriorated over the years, especially after my parents’ divorce, leading to verbal and physical abuse that has left deep scars. Despite efforts to mend our bond, her lack of engagement and acknowledgment of past hurts makes reconciliation seem impossible. The question I grapple with is: Should I truly forgive my mom for all the pain she’s caused me? And how can I genuinely achieve forgiveness in the face of such enduring hurt?
Thank you for any wisdom you can share.
Marina
Understanding Forgiveness in the Christian Tradition
Dear Marina,
Your story is one of profound pain and resilience, and it touches on the very essence of what it means to seek healing and forgiveness. In the Christian faith, forgiveness is not just recommended; it is commanded as a testament to the grace we ourselves have received. “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). This directive, however, does not diminish the complexity of your feelings or the reality of your suffering.
The Journey Toward Forgiveness
Forgiving someone, especially a parent, for deep-seated hurt is a journey that often requires time, reflection, and prayer. It is a process that does not negate the wrongs done or the pain inflicted. Instead, it is about freeing your heart from the chains of bitterness and resentment, allowing God’s healing and grace to enter. Forgiveness can sometimes be mistaken for reconciliation, but they are not the same. You can forgive someone without necessarily having a relationship with them, particularly if that relationship is harmful to your well-being.
Steps Toward Healing and Forgiveness
- Seek Support: Surround yourself with a community that understands and supports your journey. This can include trusted friends, a faith community, or professional counseling. The path to forgiveness often requires the compassion and wisdom of others.
- Pray for Strength and Guidance: Prayer can be a powerful tool in asking for God’s strength to forgive and for the peace that surpasses all understanding. Pray also for your mother, as difficult as that may seem, for it is in praying for those who have hurt us that our own hearts can begin to heal.
- Reflect on Forgiveness: Reflect on the nature of forgiveness and the freedom it offers, not just to the one who is forgiven but to the one who forgives. Consider journaling your thoughts and prayers as a way to process your feelings.
- Set Boundaries: Forgiveness does not mean you must accept harmful behavior. Setting healthy boundaries is essential for your mental and emotional well-being. It is possible to forgive while also choosing to distance yourself from toxic situations.
- Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, the wounds are too deep to navigate alone. A professional counselor or therapist, especially one who understands the dynamics of faith and forgiveness, can offer valuable guidance and support.
Embracing Forgiveness
Marina, forgiveness is a profound act of faith and strength. It is a decision to trust in God’s justice and mercy, even when human justice seems far off. Remember, forgiving your mother is not about condoning her actions but about liberating your heart from the weight of unforgiveness. It’s a journey that can lead to peace, a peace that God desires for you. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27).
May your path to forgiveness be guided by His love and grace, bringing healing to your heart and soul.
With heartfelt prayers,
Theophilus
