Extending Jewish Condolences: A Guide to Offering Comfort in Times of Loss

a mourning Jewish man

Question from a Reader

Dear Rabbi Joshua,

I want to offer condolences to a Jewish friend who has recently lost a loved one. How can I do this respectfully and in accordance with Jewish traditions?

Sincerely,
Emily Gonzales

The Essence of Jewish Condolences

Dear Emily,

Your desire to offer condolences in a manner sensitive to Jewish traditions is commendable. In Judaism, comforting the bereaved is a profound act of kindness and empathy.

The Jewish approach to condolences revolves around the principle of ‘Nichum Aveilim’ (ניחום אבלים), comforting the mourners. This practice is more than just expressing sorrow; it’s about providing support and understanding during a time of loss.

Offering Comfort During the Shiva

After a funeral, Jews observe a period called ‘Shiva’ (שבעה), seven days of mourning. During this time, it is customary for friends and community members to visit the mourner’s home to offer comfort. When visiting, it’s important to let the mourners lead the conversation. They may wish to speak about their loved one, or they may prefer silence. Your presence alone can be a source of comfort.

Appropriate Words and Actions

When speaking, traditional Jewish expressions of condolence include saying “Baruch Dayan HaEmet” (ברוך דיין האמת) – “Blessed is the True Judge.” This phrase acknowledges God’s ultimate judgment. Another common phrase is “May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem” (המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים).

It’s also appropriate to share fond memories of the deceased, highlighting their virtues and the positive impact they had on others’ lives.

Practical Assistance and Ongoing Support

Offering practical help, such as preparing meals or assisting with errands, can be incredibly helpful. Jewish tradition emphasizes the importance of supporting mourners in tangible ways.

Remember, the need for comfort doesn’t end with Shiva. Checking in on the mourners regularly, offering an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on, can be invaluable as they navigate their grief.

Conclusion

In conclusion, Jewish condolences are about being present, offering heartfelt words, and providing practical support. Your sensitivity to these traditions will undoubtedly be a source of solace to your friend during this difficult time.

May your efforts bring comfort to those in mourning.

Shalom,

Rabbi Joshua

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The Significance of Side Curls in Jewish Tradition

a younger Orthodox Jewish man with curls

Dear Rabbi Joshua,

My name is Michael Rodriguez and I’ve often observed that some Jewish men have distinctive side curls. Could you explain the reason and significance behind these curls? Thank you for your insights.

The Roots of Payot in Jewish Law

Dear Michael,

Thank you for your thoughtful question. The side curls, known as payot in Hebrew, are worn by some Jewish men as a symbol of piety and adherence to Jewish law. The practice of growing payot comes from a literal interpretation of a commandment found in the Torah, in the book of Vayikra (Leviticus) 19:27, which states: “לֹא תַקִּפוּ פְּאַת רֹאשְׁכֶם וְלֹא תַשְׁחִית אֵת פְּאַת זְקָנֶךָ” — “Do not round off the hair at the temples or mar the edges of your beard.”

Payot Through the Ages

Historically, this commandment has been interpreted in various ways by different Jewish communities. The Talmud, in Masechet Makkot 20b, discusses the parameters of this mitzvah, advising against shaving the corners of one’s head. In more recent times, the practice of growing payot became particularly associated with certain Hasidic communities, who emphasize the mystical aspects of fulfilling the commandments with joy and physical expression.

Spiritual Significance and Contemporary Practice

The wearing of payot is not just a matter of tradition, but one of spiritual expression as well. Many see it as a reminder of the covenant between God and the Jewish people, a physical embodiment of the commandments, and a symbol of their distinct identity. In today’s diverse Jewish population, the practice varies, with some men choosing to wear their payot long and conspicuous, others tucking them behind their ears, and still others interpreting the commandment in a way that does not require growing them at all.

I hope this provides you with a clearer understanding of the practice of growing payot and its place within Jewish life and law.

Warm regards,

Rabbi Joshua

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Why Do Jews Wear Hats?

old jewish man wearing a hat illustration

Dear Rabbi Joshua,

I’ve often noticed that in my Jewish friends and in pictures, individuals wear various types of hats and head coverings. This has piqued my curiosity. Could you please enlighten me on the reasons why Jews wear hats? Thank you.

Warm regards,
Eli Sheinfeld

The Tradition of Head Coverings in Jewish Culture

Shalom Eli,

Your question taps into one of the most visible and significant customs within Jewish tradition. The practice of wearing hats or head coverings, which can take the form of kippot (singular: kippah), hats, or streimels among others, is deeply rooted in Jewish law, custom, and historical identity.

Halakhic Foundations

The halakhic (Jewish legal) basis for covering one’s head is not explicitly commanded in the Torah. However, it is derived from various Talmudic sources. In tractate Shabbat (156b), it is noted that covering the head can inspire a fear of Heaven (יראת שמים – Yirat Shamayim): “Rav Huna son of Rav Joshua would not walk four cubits (about 2 meters) with his head uncovered. He explained: ‘Because the Divine Presence is above my head.’” This reflects a mindset of humility and reverence before God, a constant reminder of the Divine that watches over us.

Cultural and Historical Perspectives

Historically, head coverings have also been a mark of social status and respectability. In many societies, it was a common practice for learned and distinguished individuals to cover their heads. Over time, this custom was adopted more broadly within Jewish communities, becoming a marker of one’s Jewish identity and a symbol of respect for the traditions handed down through generations.

Variations Among Communities

The style and type of head covering can vary greatly among Jewish communities, often reflecting the geographical, cultural, and mystical traditions of each group. For instance, the kippah is widespread among many Jewish men and is worn during prayer, meals, and throughout daily activities. In more traditional communities, such as many Haredi and Hasidic groups, hats or larger head coverings like the shtreimel are worn, especially on Shabbat and festivals, as a sign of extra respect and celebration.

Modern Context and Personal Expression

In today’s world, the choice of head covering can also be an expression of personal religious commitment and identity. While Orthodox men typically wear a head covering at all times, others may choose to do so only during religious activities. For many, it is a proud badge of their heritage and faith, a declaration of identity in an increasingly global and interconnected world.

Conclusion

The act of wearing a hat or head covering is a multifaceted tradition within Judaism. It is a practice rich with religious, historical, and personal significance, representing a covenantal bond with God, a gesture of respect, and a statement of identity. Like many aspects of Jewish life, it is a custom that tells a story, linking the individual to the collective history and spiritual journey of the Jewish people.

May your journey into understanding Jewish customs deepen your appreciation for the diversity and profundity of Jewish life. Please reach out should you have more questions on this or other topics related to Judaism.

B’Shalom,

Rabbi Joshua

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